Just another one of the white man's lies: Water.

Look - listen - whatever, just stay with me here and nobody loses a cuticle. I'm about to tell you something that you need to hear. Today, it's not what-townie-learned-today as much what-I-learned-from-townie-today.

Repeat: It's not water. Again. Say it to yourself, you fool.

Did you take that in? Because I know I've riffed about water in the past, but this is different. This isn't me telling you not to buy bottled water. This is me telling you it's not water that you're buying. Totally different.

And you know damn well what I'm talking about. So shut it. I don't want to hear it.

It's the "new, refreshing way to water." It's "enhanced water." It's the antichrist. And you know what I'm talking about.

I'll start over, just in case you have some of this vitamin water shit in your ears.

It's not water.

I'll tell you what water is and you tell me what it ain't... or isn't.

Water equals clear. Water equals liquid. Water equals the chemical components of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen. Water is in our blood, our lakes, our streams, the clouds above us, and, most of all, in the toilet you crap all over after an elegant, neatly-wrapped bacteria-filled sushi from Super Wal-Mart.

Water is NOT colored, unless you pee, bleed (or after the situation above, where all three might happen at once), or happen to be in Chicago during St. Patrick's Day. You don't find water in pink and peach and purple.

It doesn't have vitamins. I grew up believing that water was the only thing that essentially was nothing. I believed that when I drank water nothing would happen besides being hydrated.

The last thing I need to state is that water has taste. It doesn't. When I was in third grade, Grove St. school, I used to say to other kids, "Wow, this water tastes like pineapples," just to mess with them. I was eight years old. I was messing with them. Even back then I knew the basic principles of water. No taste. No color. No stupidity. We can say water tastes like piss, but we know that's only because somebody very well might have pissed in that water.

You know what happens when you flavor water? That water becomes known as that flavor. If you dump six scoops of Country Time into a jug of water, it's pink lemonade, not pink-colored flavor enhanced water. When somebody farts, we don't say we "smell-enhanced air." We say, "Good job." Or, "How bout not in my eye?"

So, just to clarify: don't buy bottled water, and if you do, don't buy juice that's disguised as water.

And in the words of The Waterboy: "Water sucks, it really, really sucks."


The Random M&M's found in your couch:
1. Hey, America! Got good news for ya. Yes, I do. Me, little old townie, has good news. You only lost 345,000 jobs last month. Feels pretty good being so successful, huh? Reason #34 I hate Yahoo! News.
2. Overdramatic Facebook Status Of The Day: "Live for something or die for nothing: Your Call." You don't by any chance write scripts for Steven Segal, do you?
3. After watching The Hangover, I felt much like a dragster getting out of Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. I felt like I had to drink a lot. Instead, I ate a lot of KFC.
4. I love being introduced to people that I think I'll only know for one night, just because I can tell them my name is Mitchell. Sometimes this backfires when people I know start to use my real name.
5. A lot of people think I'm lying 80 percent of the time. I think I may have said this before on here. That just shows you how much I need to reiterate this fact.
6. Writing down people's license plate numbers and the reason why I did so, is going to come in handy some day. You watch.
7. There's a good chance that if you end up in my blog, it's only because you did something so rediculously funny to me that I had to write it down. If I don't write something down, I'll forget it.