Off the Grid

Justin Townsend no longer has a cellphone and he would like to share why:

In Louis C.K.'s latest special "Hilarious" he said the greatest technological advancements are being wasted on the worst generation. This absolute truth includes me, and, for the most part, why I love C.K. Like the late George Carlin, he gets you to laugh and change your perspective on life.

With that said, before "Hilarious" I enjoyed having a cellphone. In some small way, I thought I was partaking in some generational achievement, the same way semi-half-breeding-Irish people feel when they cheers every year with a warm Guinness trying to set a world record at some "Irish" bar run by a guy named Delucchi.

C.K. spoke about being upset at a cellphone for not uploading a picture of Axl Rose within seconds. I was that guy. We're all that guy and it took one of my idols to make my own imperfections not only funny, but embarrassingly sad. I laughed on the outside, but cried on the inside.

I remember text messaging like it was yesterday (note: if I posted this on Tuesday, it would actually be yesterday). It was so cool yesterday, not it's kind of a turnoff.

Most movie scenes involving great dialogue over a cup of coffee now seem unrealistic. Say, if each side of the table was tapping the keys on their cellphone then maybe I'd be fixated on the plot more.

There isn't any huge advantage to having a cellphone besides its ability to multiply any douchey qualities in an individual. Back in the day, you only thought to yourself, "What is she wearing?" Now, you text your friend two feet away from your culprit, "WTF? white pants b4 memorial day? uh no."

You used to dread being at lunch with your friend from high school, awkwardly retorting with a sequence of "yea"s and "I know what you mean"s. Every now and again you throw in a "What's new?" even though you've said it four times already and have gotten the same answer each time. Now, you sit even more awkwardly, only retorting when the silence really dawns on you, while you text vehemently to your real friends to come and save you.

But they're conveniently not responding, even though, like, you totally know they have their phone attached to their, like, faces.

I stopped thinking cellphones as an asset, a convenince. When I think of convenience I think of being able to hop on over to the store a street away and get some syrup after making pancakes without keeping the key component in mind. That's convenience. With cellphones in that situation you call everyone you have in your phonebook to see if they can pick you up some while you watch reruns of celebrity rehab. That's not convenience, that's called being a lazy douche.

Even the inventor of the telephone himself, Mr. T-Mobile, pitied the invention.

Wait... Mr. T-Mobile didn't invent the telephone?

Sorry, that fun fact was this: even Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the phone, felt the telephone infringed on his work as a scientist and never put it in his study. Smart guy.

I also stopped thinking cellphones were a luxury. I don't want to sound preachy, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm nothing special. Having a top-notch phone doesn't make me any more luxurious than before. I'm still going to be the same curmudgeon no matter what, I'll just know that the Braves beat the Mets before you by six seconds.

And I know all the repurcusions of being without a cellphone; I've had a cellphone before. I act like I'm in my sixties, but I've actually grown up in this day-and-age. How many times have I used a cellphone for an emergency? Zero. How many times have I used it to check my fantasy baseball team? 10,000 times. I think my point is proven.

The other thing about emergencies is that I don't put myself in situations where there isn't anybody else around with a cellphone that can call. I understand the car accident situation: winding road, you lose control because you just saw Fast and the Furious Six, hit a tree. In that situation, I'm likely dead or my arms are completely immobile. Unless my flatulence learns how to dial, I'm likely still dead. Just do me a favor: don't start a memorial in my name benefiting all kids to have a cellphone in case of this situation.

The last point I want to make is that cellphones are a ripoff. I'd number crunch on you, but I won't. Let me just say that while you battle through the recession empty pocketed, this rags to riches gentleman will be at the Our Lady Queen of Martyrs Bingo dabbing flourenscent colors all the way to the bank.

Other thoughts on my mind that absolutely can't leave this room:
1) I like my barber because he carries more guns than yours. He has never asked me what I think of the haircut, as he knows he did a great job, as it took him 30 minutes. If I didn't like it I assume he'd likely trade the scissors for the handgun on his hip, or in his left sock, or his right, whichever.
2) Watching grass grow is literally every mid-forty male's dream.
4) Screw Three.
5) It just dawned on me: I havn't learned anything in a while.
6) If Lady Gaga is a fashion genius, I wonder what the next fashion genius will look like. I'm pushing for sports mascots.
7) Picking up the phone and not knowing who it is excites me.
8) I'm not one to say this, but you really have some problems. Have you tried not having so many?
9) It's been a good 90 years since anybody important was named Alexander.