Is Communion Gluten and Guilt Free?

We don't need to lie about this: I'm a sinner, you're a sinner, we're all sinners, right? My frequency might be a little more or less (probably more), so it goes without saying that when I say I went to church for the first time in around six or seven years, you know I'm having a tough time.

I sweat profusely in the front row, like Patrick Ewing in opening game warm-ups. I should have brought a sweat rag for my face. The candles were just burning. It was like a eulog on a summer day.

And that music?! How come Chris Brown isn't getting violent on these dudes? Why's he gangbanging the hotties with good voices? Take down the choir directors for christ sakes. How am I supposed to focus on when to sit, kneel and stand if you're putting me to sleep with this non-top 40 elevator music? I got an attention you're supposed to keep.

Oh, and I liked when they got to the hymn with a weird rhythm, seemingly too many words to fit in a four-measure bar, the director just stopped singing and left his choir under the bus like Keanu Reeves did in the movie Speed.

I was nervous. I felt a pain in Da-Chest like Chris Farley in Da-Bears sketch with John Goodman.

I was behind enemy lines. I felt every set of eyes on the back of my head, which is why when I saw a total milf walk by me, I hesitantly followed her to her seat even though she sat all the way in the back. Hey, I'm heartless, not dickless.

I felt like John-Wilkes Booth caught in a southern barn, surrounded by a hundred gun-toting infantry.

I prevailed, though, and my wallet was still in my pants. Apparently, if you don't want to give money you don't have, you just don't give it. What a misconception.


Thing I did while bored today:
Watched Peter Gammons continuously slur words when talking about the Toronto Blue Jay's bullpen depth.


Random, yet, unsinful things I learned today:
1. The man/woman ratio at Christmas Tree Shop is around 1:14. I also discovered the ratio of happy men/happy women is around 0:14. It seems men don't really enjoy being lugged around by their spouses while they shop for fake decorative fruit or the perfect scented candle.
2. A line forms at Guitar Center on Sundays.
3. There's no way to test a guitar's sound when jerk--white-kid-with-the-backwards-Dodgers-hat is ripping solos from And Justice For All.
4. Hearing emo-punks from behind the counter at Newbury Comics sing oldies is actually heartwarming.
5. People shouldn't be biking in freezing rain.
6. It's tough to tell somebody you don't want to help with community service because you have an addiction to playing Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare on Xbox Live.
7. I can find a way to make a pun with "a broad" (as in skank) with "abroad" (overseas).