Filling Your Cup With Knowledge

I spent Saturday night in Boston and saw a good share of homeless people. For the first time in my life, I don't think I gave any of them my wallet. That was weird to me because in year's past I have. Without thought. Without provocation.

It dawned on me. I have rules now. And when you have a set of rules, you must list them. While it may sound like I'm talking to bums in this post, I'm not, bums certainly don't have a laptop in their dormroom. I'm merely encouraging you good-hearted people to stop being so good-hearted like me.

Here is my "If you're a bum, I'm no longer giving you money" criteria:

1. You're not disgusting. If I've looked worse than you on any given Friday night, you're certainly not getting money from me. This is a depression, son. Get used to people not having money for ya.
2. You're standing in front of liquor store. Come on, buddy. You're that lazy that you can't move away from that place? Try a Denny's or a supermarket.
3. You don't have a bell like those guys from the Salvation Army. It's just tougher to ignore somebody with wild-bell-technique.
4. You're collecting people's loose change in a Starbucks coffee cup. I can't even afford Starbucks! You need to start getting that Newman's own shit at McDonalds or that Green Mountain hot black tar they sell at Cumberland Farms for 69 cents a cup.
5. You don't have a beard. This includes the homeless women too. If you're more well-groomed than me and most of my friends, I want your razors. You need a Moses-like beard for me.
6. If you're good looking. Just a code of conduct. You were dealt a better hand than millions of people and Mark Cuban, Ben Wallace and the chick from Ugly Betty still became more successful than you.

There's the criteria for feeding the homeless. Go now and share your new-found knowledge.

Question of the day:
Why does all German porn look like rape? I'm not admitting to watching porn here (okay, I am. shocker, right?) but there's some very important questions that need to be answered and never get cleared up because people are too scared.

Other useless knowledge:
1. I've officially accomplished the post-4-mile-run/weight lifting workout-trip to McDonald's. A McGriddle sandwich and McCafe later, I'm certifiably McFatass.
2. Speaking of being a McFatass, I think it's time to try one of those waffle sandwiches at Dunkin.
3. I probably would've used that phonebook in the street to call Park Ave. Pizza, but it's been run over 211 times.
4. I ate Japanese food for two straight nights and my shits were strong, healthy lincoln logs. Then I eat American food once and my shit turns to gravy.
5. Spring is back, which means unnaturally orange tans and guys with jacked upper bodies sporting guts are back.
6. Nobody believes a word I say 90% of the time.