Where’s the Cocked Beef? I mean, Corned. I’m cocked.

“Hey, did you hear? It’s St. Patrick’s Day! You’re supposed to be cocked you stupid asshole!”

This is the emphatic translation that goes through my head anytime somebody asks me what I’m doing on this stupid day. I’m not Irish, don’t look Irish and, in fact, I’ll do my best to try to never pretend being Irish, but everybody has to ask. 

Has anybody Irish ever been successful at anything, but making the thickest beer on earth?

SAT time/newsflash:

People getting drunk is to believing your Irish: Little children getting excited is to believing in Santa.

I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. I don’t believe in Santa and neither should you.

Truth is, I don’t like St. Patrick’s Day for many reasons. Call me a party pooper, but nobody celebrating it has any clue who (St.)Patrick even is. Turns out, he’s not even a certifiable Saint! Ah! Imposter.

Nobody knows what’s so special about him either. Folklore is that he converted thousands of Irish retards using a shamrock to teach the holy trinity. Let me tell you something: it’s a very last resort when you start using the plants around you to teach somebody something, anything at all. But then again, this is the Irish.

Toy know what you look like to me? This -

That’s Korea. Not Ireland. I know, they look so much alike!

We should be celebrating (St.) William Wallace Day. That dude has almost the same accent, bigger attitude, better story (five Oscars anyone? Oh, don’t forget, Wallace died for his country.). We could all run around pretending to be Scottish soldiers, lobbing limbs off like crazy, and sleeping with pale chicks all day. Sounds fun to me.

Anyway, drink your thick beer, eat your salty meats, get bloated, puke on each other all you want, and have the absolute most diabolic farts tomorrow. I’m not wearing green, I’m not drinking green beer and I’m not pretending to be Irish at all.

I will however get drunk and possibly see you all out, per chance of seeing a good fist fight between two wannabe soccer hooligans, and possibly some old people making out. Just know when you see me, it’s not because I appreciate anything the Irish has ever done.

Because that list is short.

 

Question:

Why aren’t the Special Olympics televised? Wouldn’t that give a greater appreciation? Or are networks and all involved want to keep their little games to themselves? Or are they worried people will laugh? I’m not making fun, just asking. Debate if you will. Silently or otherwise.

 

(discression: I’m not cocked, as the title may say. I’m merely making a joke on this stupid, stupid day. God bless!)