Bacon Bits

What’s on the plate this morning? Or night? Or dessert?

The way you people (yea, you people) talk about bacon these days gives me extreme heartburn.

Today I reach for the rolling pin in hopes to pound out the most jovial, ubiquitous culinary saying. You know which one, too. Don’t act like you haven’t caught yourself saying it, trying to give yourself credibility somehow in an incredible world (wow, talk about trite… this is like The Dark Knight). 

Supposedly, bacon goes well with anything, but what I’m trying to prove that most people that say this arbitrarily throw out the saying without testing the endless possibilities.

Both socially and culinarally, bacon does not go well with everything. I’m saying this generally, but so are you. Let this be known, however: that I have utmost faith my observation more accurately defines the status of bacon than the blanket statement of “goes well with everything.” It simply does not.

First, we will divulge out grievances towards food specifically, since bacon is in fact food.

Have you ever thrown bacon on a cupcake? Sounds good, but you won’t really know if you haven’t tried it. Until you throw it on a cupcake you’re just talking out of your pork butt, which is actually more preferred to me than bacon, as it represents not only delicious meat, but the quandary of why its called a pork butt when it’s not actually the butt of a pig, but the swine’s shoulder.

Second: I like bacon, you like bacon, just shut the hell up about it. I’ve never, ever seen the kind of apoplectic affection that I have seen for bacon. Even at the mere mention of bacon in a room a mild, calm room can turn into a moaning, maniacal feverish crowd. 

It’s equivalent to a child seeing gifts under the holiday tree on the holiday we can’t mention – or better yet – a mid-twenty virgin seeing boobies for the first time drunkenly at a 311 show.

Both of those situation are understandable, though, because those are two situations that warrant an ill-fated response. A virgin can’t control himself, he’s prepared himself religiously in hiding for years, just to see a pair of mams in real life. He can’t control himself. A kid seeing gifts? From a magical being riding a super fast sleigh through the air? Being pushed by magical reindeer, whose feet, not touching the ground, run in the clouds?

Hearing the word “bacon” doesn’t warrant that response.  It warrants you shutting up and trying to steal a piece before breakfast is served, and that’s all.

Thirdly and possibly most importantly: You don’t need to wear a bacon tee-shirt either, or get a tattoo of a pig and the different cuts on a pig on your belly; it’s kind of cool if you’re the owner of a restaurant that specializes in smoked cuts of pig, but not if you’re a manager at Dunkin Donuts. No situation warrants the wearing of one of these tees, not even Bamboozle, and you can wear almost anything to that.

Lastly: Bacon is hardly ever considered the dominant protein in any meal, save for maybe breakfast, so please stop acting like it’s the main act. Bacon compliments meals like mayonnaise would or any other condiment.

Little story: I work at a restaurant. I’ve cooked for close to nine years and served 1,000,000 more roast beef sandwiches than BLT’s , which happen to have bacon and cost less. So what gives? I thought you all loved bacon. I never see anybody see or hear the word roast beef, anywhere, and foam at the mouth.

In summary, I would like to state that I too am an avid fan of bacon and, at times, you all make me want to veganize.

Random Thoughts:

Usually, I throw this bottom section into a free-for-all thought round about snip-its of banal ornate experiences throughout my day, but instead, I’ll bless you all with a top 20 later in the week. Something to look forward to for some.