Breakfast is the meal of Nobody's.

That John Denver is full of shit if he says eating a healthy breakfast and all that stupid jazz starts your day off right.

I believe as much as the next dude that breakfast is easily the best meal of the deal, but don't tell me it's going to make or break my day. That's horseshit. Flat out.

Today, I had french toast, two cups of coffee, some goofy homefry combination and some sausage, you know where that got me? A handful of money less and a full stomach. That's it. The world didn't magnificantly change direction becuase I had some hashbrowns, okay? Nothing happened.

You see, becuase no matter what I eat, if somebody's tripping on qualudes and drives into me at 9:45, they were going to anyway. Doesn't matter what they ate, doesn't matter what I ate.

'When I was bored' Activity of the Day:
1. Came up with additional ways to bother my high school coworker by telling him all the dishes I would make out of his pet rabbits.

Other things I learned:
1. Referencing Schrodinger's cat-in-the-box physics in an article about Dustin Pedroia is why the Onion is way smarter than yours and mine fart joke humor.
2. No matter how many times I watch soaps, I never learn their names.
3. In pitch, if you get your four-bid with just Queen-6, your opponents will hate you.
4. The National League is underrated.
5. Small dick jokes are just the female version of "that's what she said" jokes. They're rarely funny.
6. Admitting to being a communist is a lot easier than being one.

Old Ladies Love Me

Let's not beat around the bush: old ladies love me.

It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it becuase they're always, always, always going to love me. You know how much they love you, their grandchild? They love me twice that. I don't know why, either. Because I don't love them at all. In fact, most of them, I would rather... nah I won't say it.

Okay, I will, because this is a truth-blog, about factual stuff and telling it straight like McCain... no straighter.

I would rather old ladies not love me at all. What'd you think I was going to say? Die? That's over the top.

Okay, okay. So old ladies, aren't that bad. They smell a little bit. They don't get laid... much. But I tell you, the thing I learned today, is that old ladies love to feel younger again. If you talk to them, and you're younger than they are, they're going to love you. You don't have to love them, just talk to them.

Sound painful? Not a chance. Whenever I run out of things to talk about (weather, bingo night, other old shit subjects), I turn to lying. I call one customer "Kathy from the bowling alley" and she loves it. You know her real name? Loretta. You know what she does? Not bowl, rather give driving lessons. You know what else she does? Love me. It doesn't matter to her if I'll ever remember her name, because I'm young, she's old and I'm talking to her.

'When I was bored' Activity the day:
1. Because the theme is old people, I tried to picture what they looked like young. Some people I just couldn't shake the old off of.

Subconscious things learned:
1. When it's a toss-up between a good pasta dinner at a chain restaurant and Taco-Bell, always ring the Bell.
2. No matter how busy my day is, I'll always have enough time to picture somebody naked.
3. Halloween may be a good excuse for chicks to dress like skanks, but it's an even better excuse for guys to politely say they'd like to see a chick dress like a skank.
4. This is the best online video I've ever seen. Theme line at 27 seconds in.
5. Word validation is out-of-control swervy sometimes.
6. Knockout drops (vt): drops of a solution of a drug (such as chloral hydrate) put into a drink to produce unconsciousness or stupefaction.