America's Most Awesome Show

I never thought back to the days when my dad and I watched Cops or Americas Most Wanted until recently.

Until recently, I just thought that was a way for us to appreciate the world around us a little more. Kind of like watching the kid in school get his ass kick repeatedly, while you count your change in line to get a kiwi-strawberry snapple. You always had that thought in the back of your head that while it may suck you couldn't afford much else, at least you were getting chairs slammed over your back WWF-style.

I never thought it would be a preperation for anything.

I relish those days now, because it may have bored my mom a ton, at least if I saw those knuckleheads out in public from those dramatized, ultra-suspenseful AMW shows, I'd know exactly who to call: John Walsh.

Now, working in a restaurant bordering Woonsocket, I say to myself all the time, "I wish I watched that show more often." Everytime there's a creepy, spotty-bearded 40-something with a teenager, I wonder if there was a kidnapping or an amber alert. I wonder if I could do something.

My boss sometimes watches Cops before he leaves and says something remarkably predictable like, "Is this the Hoe, Hoe, Hoes Christmas episode?" That sometimes makes me think of the good ol' days of my mom shaking her head, wishing something otherly was on, like Bridges of Madison County.

Another thing that I wish to throw out there: Cops and America's Most Wanted are the most pointed, deliberate, self-explanatory show titles in television. They never beat around the bush with their titles and you have to appreciate that. Cops is exactly about cops, and America's Most Wanted is exactly about creeps at your local grocery store, fake-checking the ripeness on honeydews.

Thing I did to entertain myself:
Tried to find the Super Wal-Mart past Uxbridge, in-or-around Northbridge, that may be past exit 4, but not presisely, with one set of directions saying it was directly on the highway.

Random, meaningless crap I wish I didn't learn:
1. Adam and Eve were technically the first names ever used, but technically, they're not.
2. If Jesus had Dane Cook's wit, the famous parables would last forever and the bible would've been 1,000 pages longer. Oh, and it would've only been the biggest book in the world for maybe two years, and then been replaced by King Arthur's books, which consequently would be written by the Blue Collar dudes. Eck!
3. If freshman gain 15, what do you call the rest of the weight people put on throughout college? That's something I didn't randomly learn today. I'm just curious to know.
4. I'm not at all entertained by watching Patriots football anymore, but will watch the Bruins' Milan Lucic fight anyone.
5. If you say "Youk" instead of "Youkilis" I shake my head, but I will applaud you if you say "Jap" instead of "Japanese".
6. Dude is in my vernacular forever.
7. Don't fool me with your triple-chocolate muffins, all i need is one chocolate source to buy your shit.