What Townie Learned This Year

This post is strictly the images of my 2008. Some aren't remarkable to you, but they were to me, and in some way I "learned" something from them.

Enjoy and Happy New Year!


The Food:

1. I made this. Had to take a picture before it was devoured t-rex style. Hot chicks be advised: you could be eating this every morning. (well, probably not, but you could)
2. Nachos con chili at Applebee's. Looks more like a battlescene in a sci-fi movie up close.
3. Deep dish pizza from Giardano's in Chicago. One reason I absolutely couldn't live in the Second-City.

The Outfits:

1. Some guy sporting super-sweet cut-off, white jean shorts in the middle of a snow storm at Park Ave. Pizza in Woonsocket. Could've been the delivery guy, or I may just be assuming anybody that wears cut-off jean shorts is a delivery guy. Notice the "at-the-hips" phone angle to keep me incognito.
2. Dude or Dudette? That's the question. Ultimately, this mulleted trani-lookalike with an awesome purple shirt was a duderino. Nice threads, bro. This was taken at the Woonsocket-Hendricken boy's basketball state final.
3. My boy Elliot trying on the ugliest stuff imaginable at the Adidas outlet. Of course, you wouldn't know that was the Adidas store because it looks like the shirt is from the wardrobe of Pootie Tang.
4. If you want to see awesome threads, I suggest rest stops. This one is particularly awesome. So awesome I risked taking a close-up.

Memorable moments

1. Partiots versus Cardinals. This is the eulog on the jumbotron that is supposedly keeping us warm.
2. Turtle racing in Chicago. I don't remember the bar's name, (Joe's?? Double J's salloon? I don't know, it was something divey) but it was a dive and seeing Yolanda being called the slowest fucking turtle in the world repeatedly by 200 people, ultimately, made my year.
3. High school basketball game in the TD Banknorth Garden. That's the parquet floor. That's where I watched a bunch of a games. If it's not in the Garden then it's creepy to watch a high school girl's basketball game. No matter if it's your job or not. It's not natural.

The Otherly:

1. While waiting in line for a NOFX show, multiple marching bands take over Providence's downtown, stalling traffic and not ending up in handcuffs. They were also led by people in outrageously awesome costumes and terrible white people dancing.
2. This is a tricked out 83 Whatever with everything tacky glued to it. We found it outside a Chili's. How ironic.
3. "Crush the Germans with your mind" is the best poster I've ever seen. I found it on somebody's desk at the Standard Times.



4. Public pornography inside a Providence bar's bathroom. I got the same kind of stuff in my bathroom, but it's called Playboy.
5. One of my friends saw a toilet in the alley of two apartment houses near Providence College and decided he needed to pee sitting down. There's no shame in that, though.
6. I don't know why, but this is my favorite picture. Two of my goofy friends are trying to buy drinks with this extra-oversized $100 bill. I don't know if they had real money on them.

A $15 Gift Certificate to Hell

Pardon my rashness here, but gift certificates in Yankee Swaps are complete horsecock.

I was on the fence a couple days ago. I said to myself, "Well, there's still money involved. Somebody's still getting something of value. Blah, blah, blah." I might have thought it was a cop-out before, but today, as it stands, I think it's the worst thing you can bring to a swap.

I'm throwing everything in the mix too when I say it's the worst. I'm throwing used diapers, a shovel, hand-warmers, seven bottles of Tums, and any GNC product into the mix (Basically, I just looked at my desk, minus the diapers.).

The reason I boldly oppose the use of gift certificates is for many reasons. And this isn't funny. If you're laughing, I'll stab you. Don't bring gift certificates tomorrow or next year. I'd rather you bring a non-Christmas-celebrating, badgering Jehovah's witness to my Yankee Swap.

Here are my reasons:

1. If two people bring a gift certificate, one will ultimately have one dollar amount, while the other has a lower dollar amount, thus eliminating the whole purpose of Yankee Swaps - the swapping. Why would you swap a $15 gift card to Dunkin before a $20 card to Applebee's if you didn't have rabies?

2. It eliminates the whole fun of Yankee Swaps. You want to open something and say, "What is this? And will I use it more than the Waffle Iron Bill has?" Having weird, random, yet useful stuff at Yankee Swaps is the fun. Put the time into your day to go to Job Lot.

3. It shows you went out and saw an easy way. Even the dude that brought the bottle of Whiskey as a swap-gift looks more creative.

4. Nobody is ever going to say, "Remember last year when Tina brought the gift certificate to Cold Stone. I used it in July, when it was actually warm enough to have ice cream."

5. The thought this time really doesn't matter. Because usually it means you were at least thinking the person might find it useful or eats or whatever, but this time you didn't buy for a specific person. So there wasn't too much thoughtfulness involved.

What I mulled over today while in Target, while my mother looked over the same picture frame for ten minutes, put it back, only to keep it finally:
Thought about how much more awesome being in my house would be.

Other usually random information that pushes very important information out:
1. Rob Lowe either shops at Target in Lincoln, or I'm just an asshole for asking.
2. The Yankees are using drug money to buy players.
3. Don't believe what you hear, Diet Coke Plus is a scam. FDA says nutritional value is wrong.
4. Movies are slowly becoming worse and worse, and I know I sound like an old geez, but its true. Just look at the trailer for Marley and Me with Owen Wilson.
5. The 12 things I hate about Christmas song sucks. No easy way to say it.
6. Holiday cards are a joke. Does anybody do anything other than hang them up and never look at them?

Swimming for the fences.

Outside of Michael Phelps and Rhode Island's own Elizabeth Beisel, I don't really care too much about swimming.

I'm not scared to say it either, because I've never run into a swimmer (yesterday included) that I couldn't take in a fist fight. If all else fails, I'll push them into the pool with their clothes on.

Yesterday, I happened to report at a swim meet. High school.

Boys. High school.

It was like Disney World for gay people.

I did find humorous things to keep myself entertained, however.

I realized there isn't anything more wild in high school sports than some fat kid in a speedo swimming. He was also the only one yelling at some extremely slow kid. It was the type of irony you could spread on your bagel.

I also realized the breaststroke doesn't live up to the hype.


Things I did on the road to New Bedford:
1. Envisioned a full-all-out Matrix Reloaded car chase scene happening on the highway, with me turning into Agent Smith and driving my car like every other person on 195.
2. Wondered what a modern day version of Oregon Trail would be like.

Randomness:
1. Sledding seems like a good idea until you remember you're almost 26 and pushing kids off the hill.
2. Pizza really is the most versatile food in our culture. You can put anything on it, eat it cold/hot, anytime of the day and nobody will judge you.
3. The shout-outs on 94.5 and 106.3 are the only reason I listen to hip-hop stations.
4. People are scared of snow.
5. Computer chips are amazing to look at. It really makes me think about how much we've evolved. First, fire. Then, some amazing chips.
6. Whoever flips the omelets at Bellingham Pallace is one talented son-of-a.

Fantasy Baseball cured my cramped hand!

I shouldn't spend hours of the night working on fantasy baseball shit, but I do.

Worst part is, baseball hasn't been played in three-four months.

So what am I doing? Besides being a lame-ass late-night baseball geek? Nothing, and you know what? I think I'm better off.

I'm not being a creep on facebook anymore. I'm not texting custies drunk. I haven't watched porn in a while. And when I have to scrape my windshield in the morning, I don't cuss so the neighbors hear. When I find out my Corn Pops are already stale after just two days, I won't throw the box against the wall.

That's how much fantasy baseball cheers my ass up.

I guess you can say I'm doing pretty darn good since this whole fantasy baseball thing heated back up. If I keep this up I might even get a couple presents from Santa this year.

But that's a pipedream. We all know he skips the black neighborhoods.

What?!

I'm joking.

Boy, maybe I haven't changed.

What I did while bored today:
Read a pie graph on which parts of the country die from certain types of weather more. We New Englanders die more from snow storms apparently.

And now for the only section everybody reads:
1. If you run over a pothole when you're picking your nose, you will regret it.
2. Similarly, if you're wiping your ass and sneeze, you will also regret that.
3. It's not so creepy that my roomate has a Dwight bobblehead from The Office, but is very creepy that it has a constant bobble, while the Sean Casey bobblehead directly on the side does not.
4. "It is what it is" doesn't fly with me anymore.
5. Looking back on it, Canobie Lake Park was a hell of time back in eighth grade.
6. That stupid bitch at Borders in the mall fought for me and I like that. I take back all I said under my breath.
7. Nobody liked any of the "Mummy" movies. Let's be serious. The Rock was cool, but if there isn't naked chicks in a movie that takes place in the hot desert, I'm really not interested.

"On the 1,345th day of Hanukah my rabbi gave to me..."

Christmas songs. Let's talk about them.

When is too early for Christmas songs? January 2.

When is it ever inappropriate for a Christmas song? At a Jewish funeral.

If reindeer trampling my grandma to death is okay, dogs barking an entire song is okay, and so is the song about Santa banging a hot MILF in suburbia, then what isn't okay to hear in a Christmas song? A song with Vern Troyer auditions to be an elf in a quasi-well-directed porn.

Is there anybody that doesn't play air-guitar to Trans-Siberian Orchestra? That's rhetorical. I know everyone does it.

When is it safe to say Christmas songs have jumped the shark? When Guitar Hero: Rockin' Christmas comes out.

Tell me one good Kwanzaa song and I'll start saying Holiday music. Do it.

What would be worse than hearing the 12 days of Christmas song on the radio? The 2,000 days of Hanukah song. Or better yet, the 30 days of fasting song about Rammadan.


Thing I did while bored recently:
Tried to create my own disastrous Ethan Frome-like love triangle.

Additional info about my life that nobody cares about, yet remembers, brings up in conversation and, ultimately, refers to as much funnier than anything else I write in this blog:
1. I know this is in the too-much-information file, but so is everything on here. Since I've cut out fried foods and soda from my diet, my shit no longer floats.

2. Emeril can say anything and people will clap.

3. My roommate was right, Pringle's new Select Bold Crunch Southwestern BBQ chips are bad breath in a bag.

4. Sabastian Bach wears shirts with his name on it. I know that's pathetic, but somehow I'm jealous of that.

5. A slice of pizza is 272 calories and a bagel is 289. How much I care is 0 percent. All amounts based on a 2000 calorie diet.

6. Mark Twain, Or Samuel L. Clemens, didn't publish Huckleberry Finn until he was 48.
7. Peeing while sitting down is actually not that bad.