You're just mad its not Playgirl in my bathroom.

(Townie enters room, slams door shut, one measly source of light comes from the corner of the room, silhouetting his body)

That's it! I've had it! (throws a mass of objects from his desk onto the floor to be scary. note: not very scary)

Time to dispel the idea that men only look at Playboy, not read it. I'm tired of the rolling of the eyes every time somebody goes to the bathroom in my apartment and sees the smut. I'm tired of it.

"I bet some of the pages are stuck together!" Hahahahah. You're so funny! How bout you read some of the terrible party-jokes to help your bad sense of humor?

There's a lot of content in there. I'll admit, too, that I was never a Playboy fan before. I never knew why my barber had it "accidentally" hanging around all the time. But I think I do now.

For instance, did you know you can get really good, yet really cheap wine at accidentalwine.com?

How about Richard Brandson's business model for his newly developed Virgin American Airline?

Did you know one of the easiest ways to get in the Guinness Book is by throwing bricks, beer kegs, other people, and cars on your head and balancing them for abnormal amounts of time?

How 'bout the new Rolls-Royce, which if you have $400,000 to throw around, can come in 44,000 different colors and is hand polished for five hours? Oh, and you can't drive this three-ton beast off the lot, you have to wait four months for it to come Fed-Ex, barring your filthy asshole neighbors don't put their section-8 hands all over it first like they did with my Chicago popcorn! Thanks anyway, Pete.

Would you know all this? Huh? No. You wouldn't. Don't pretend to either.

Sure there's naked women. Really exquisite, hot naked women. But do you know what kind of content is on those pages besides a few pictures? Nothing. There's nothing to read or pick up for conversation besides, "You see Carol Alt? I'd like to (fill in the blank with chauvinistic remark). Most of them are dumb as rocks too. What's your biggest turnoff? Let's see, what every other playmate has ever said. "Smelling. Cockiness. Smart."

So, next time you drop deuce in my bathroom, use my soap, use my toilet paper, puke in my sink, etc. Don't comment on our Playboy. It's there for you too. Read it, learn a few things. Experience life.

(Light goes on, Townie opens the door, his monstrous silhouette becomes the same ol' 5-foot, 9-inch person you knew before, and he let's you on your way).

Thing I did while bored today:
Watched old episodes from the first season of SNL on DVD.

Other banal details of my day you shouldn't be interested in, but are:
1. Massachusetts license plate no. 22292 in the Ford pickup needs to find the gas pedal.
2. People need to chill out on Kohl's. I've been in finally and its not that great.
3. I go to Taco Bell 90 percent of the time I go to New Bedford. One of the only reasons I go is to throw my car's trash into the drive-through receptacle without getting out.
4. Taco Bell has no medium hot sauce. It's mild, hot, scorching hot. I don't know if there's semantical people down at corporate, but they need to fix that. I don't want hot, I don't want mild. I want something in the middle. Medium.
5. Hazel Mae is now on MLB Network with Harold Reynolds. MLB Network knows what got Reynolds in trouble at ESPN, right? I give him two months with her before he's grabbing ass.
6. Whenever I need confidence I look over at my 2007 Fantasy Football league-champion bobblehead. His constant bobbling says, "Yes You Can!"