Dog eat Dog

Look, I like dogs. Don't believe the rumor that I don't. Because I do.

I'm a dog man.

I don't care for cats. Cats are assholes. They don't understand the plight of the man. They don't comprehend our lazy Sunday's, where we rely on our dogs to get the paper.

There hasn't been a famous cat since Garfield and even he was a douchebag. No shocker, right? All cats in the history of television and life have been douches.

The Chesire Cat, Heathcliff, Sylvester, Felix, Hobbes. All jerks. Think of all the different types of dangerous cats, too. Panthers, Tigers, Bobcats, Lions, Cougars, Leopards. All dangerous. None of those will bring in a newspaper.

When people eat something terrible they say, "This tastes like cat food." That's how much cats suck. We give them the crappiest stuff to eat.

The only cats that were ever cool were the Thundercats.

How about famous dogs?

Lassie anyone? Dude saved Billy in the well. He could communicate with humans in a supernatural way. He could tell time. He scored higher than me on the SAT. Cats are out doing their nails and chasing mice. Perhaps Lassie is the reason I like dogs so much, in some subconscious way. I feel like I can talk to them and they'd understand me, really understand me.

Turner and Hooch? Awesome. Beethoven? The British Bulldog? Give me a break. I'd have a drink out of the toilet bowl with all of them.

I like hot dogs.

So where does the confusion come in?

Well, I may yell certain obscenities while being chased by dogs every now and again. I may have been found guilty of carrying snowballs on several runs while in high school. I maaaay have been found guilty of parking my car last week and telling a dog barking at me, "Fuck You." Maybe I did that. I don't really know. And there's no truth that whenever a dog is around I give it the evil eye.

I assume all dogs bite and attack on a whim, no matter how big or how small. I'm allergic to them. I can't pet them and I don't like how they eat everything in sight.

AND still, after all these faults, both my own and the dogs, I'm still a dog guy. Just imagine now how much I don't like cats. Go ahead.


The kittylitter:
1. A day isn't complete until you see a 1992 Subaru POS protected by the club with a window busted in. I saw mine at 8 a.m. today. I'm in cruise control.
2. Paying seven bucks for corn bread mix isn't right.
3. If you sneeze consistently for six hours, your brain will slowly begin oozing out your nose.
4. I like to think of my house as the evolution chain. The primitive in the basement is clearly retarded. One floor up is a guy that we believe to deep fry skunks. On the second floor are friends, and they're intelligent, but essentially they're in love and that shit isn't smart. We're on the fourth floor and neither of us are taken, deep fry rodents, or are retarded.
5. Funny, educated heckling is my thing and I raked it at the Red Sox game last night, just eight rows from Nomah's crotch and the Oakland dugout.
6. I totally guessed that Oakland first basemen Jason Giambi and third base coach Gary Gallego were lovers. Giambi eventually got on third base and put his arm around Gallego and stared into his eyes. Minutes later the two were scissoring on the infield grass in front of 38,000 fans.
7. Independence Day will never sound like the right thing to say after Will Smith and that terrible script ruined the phrase forever. Fourth of July is still there, though, until they need a name for another crappy summer blockbuster action movie.