Your Weather Sucks, not mine.

Let's not kid ourselves, it's been a rainy couple months of summer here in New England.

It's been wry, it's been raw, it's been more wet than Anna Nicole on the phone with a new pharmacist.

There are some things I'd like to talk about, a few talking points, as they say in radio.

First is this: you don't need to talk about the weather. Now, I realize this is somewhat of a hypocritical curveball, but I'm not going to go into how much it sucks to be kept from those beautiful Rhode Island beaches during the summer months (... and for those of you that can't comprehend sarcasm, I'll interpret: RI beaches aren't anything special. They have seaweed, screaming kids kicking sand in your bag of Lays and water so cold the guys from Deadliest Catch would have trouble getting into).

The main point here is that nobody cares what you have to say about the weather, ever. You can't change the way the weather works, unless you pump more CFC's into the ozone. Nothing you say will even remotely contribute to any conversation about the weather.

You what I do? I act like I care about the weather. I'll repeat words that others use. If I hear somebody say, "Yuck! Is it raw out there!" I say the exact phrase continuously until that person understands. I'll also use various terminology lamen folk don't understand. Words like "barametric pressure", "cumulonimbus", or "heat index". If I'm in a jam, the Ghiorse factor is always a hot button to push. There's a number some dude on local television made up to make himself feel like he was creating some new way to look at weather.

This technique I call bullshitting is something I also use with anyone when talking about cars, watching Nascar, or writing papers in college.

My second point of contention is that if we are going to be talking about the weather to at least be using accurate terminology.

Raining or pouring buckets is not correct. Can you imagine somebody dumping a bucket on your head continuously for hours? That's a lot of water.

Another one is "showers". When somebody says showers, you think what? There's not that much rain coming down, right? Imagine taking a shower and not that much water coming out. You'd be pissed. So, you should be pissed when there's rain showers in the area, too.

My last talking point is that when the sun finally pokes its head out, don't say, "Great! Now, the sun's in my eyes." Choose a side. Do you want to be a vampire or a solar panel?


The area you wish you hadn't stepped in:
1. On Day 2 of 7 I was already tired of saying this was a bad idea.
2. It's day four and I've successfully covered two very terribly boring topics: the weather and dogs vs. cats. What next?
3. In the past couple days I've come across two people that resemble males, but could've been females. My tip to everyone: check for bra straps. If they're wearing a black shirt, check the package. It's the only way you can be sure. By all means, don't make eye contact.
4. Me and my roommate have a Wednesday night ritual of watching Top Chef, Real World and then Conan. After that we tea bag each other and drink Merlot at room temperature.
5. Put hershey pies from Burger King on the list of Things That Make the Toilet Paper Run Out.
6. Whenever I see somebody out in public with a Naughty America shirt I laugh uncontrollably.
7. Shopping for groceries has been reduced to a simple list and my roommate has figured it out: one frozen pizza, milk, eggs, juice of some sort or gatorade, cereal, and some sort of snack. The snack lasts one day, the milk goes bad, the pizza is cooked within a day, the cereal goes stale, I forget which eggs are mine and assume they're bad.