Because people are awesome and they do even more awesomer stuff. That's right, more awesomer. What do you do when something is way more awesome? Write more awesomer.
Here's what you have to do. First, X out the various porn sites (plural because I know my audience is a bunch of perverts) you've been traveling. Open a new, clean browser. Perhaps clean your monitor. Go to craigslist.com and find the personals section and a little bit further is a little thing I consider to be the savior of American literacy. If we gave kids craigslist missed connections everyday in school, they're undoubtedly continue reading.
Essentially the site is there for people that believe in love at first sight, but not having the CNBs to say anything. This combination is a perfect match for the internet, where you can seemingly say anything you want and never have to think of it again (eerily just like this blog...).
As you'll see, this Dating Game-gone-wrong website is particularly lewd at times, and almost always hilarious. Some say sad, I say hilarious. Synomous, really.
Here's a really good example titled "APPLE STORE":
"I talked you into buying the next level of computer. You were with your friend and have a pierced lip. We had a good convo. If you want to get together tell me what color hat I was wearing."
Next level of computer? Very solid. I took a shot on the one called Apple Store, but essentially it turned out better than I expected, which turns out to be the case 98 percent of the time.
See "NK Walmart Stacked":
"You were the incredibly stacked brunette with a phenomenal body, wearing a green tank and shorts with shoes laced up to your calves. What body soap did you decide on?"
Incredibly stacked. What kind of soap? This guy sure has the moves. Missed connections tip: Whenever "stacked" is in the title, you got a winner.
I mention this because I almost lost my baby not to long ago. For those around me during the craigslist killer debacle, you know what I'm talking about. I was agitated. "Are they going to get rid of the personals?" I asked sometimes in the lonesome and outloud. I'd slam books whenever Wolf Blitzer spoke, even though he never talked about this topic.
"What else will grab my attention like missed connections did so long ago?"
That brought me back to the time I was first introduced to missed connections. I'd like to illustrate that experience in the same way they do on Missed Connections, in a piece titled "Love at first Connection":
"We were strangers living in a large world: mine, the RIC Student Union; your's, a vast technological superhighway known as the Internet. My fair skinned Jewish friend, Matt, talked about you in a way much like certain scenes from The Notebook. You were perfect. In an feebish attempt, somebody on your site met eyes with another beauty at a funeral. Hearts fluttered. 'Of course,' he thought. 'She'll be on Missed Connections, looking for me, too. I better post something rediculous.' The words couldn't be written better by Walt Whitman. They were beautiful, comical and downright pathetic. Everything I love in a good writer."
There is even a psychological thing going on too. I know I'm not hitting the ball out of the park, but I do know that I'm not on Missed Connections. At least not yet. Until then, the site will continue to be a place of downright slapstick, knee slapping fun.
The part your brain should be allergic to:
1. You are perverts. Don't disagree. I read my counter at the bottom of the page before the whole jerkoff record story two days ago and that was read more than any other story. I caught you.
2. Watching the guy from the basement operate outside this morning was much like when I used to watch the stray cat we called Garbage living in our parking lot.
3. I wonder if when people use my phone they think of how I watch youtube videos on the can with it.
4. The other day I threw a bunch of pennies out the window at some friends and yelled, "For last night!" That just shows you how obsolete the penny has become, when I'm willing to make an ill-fated bad joke at its expense.
5. At work there's two people teaching me the bad words in French, but neither of them are on the same page. Manville isn't big enough to have two different dialects of French is it?
6. I've eaten so many bagels in the past two months I should be either fat or Jewish or both.
7. Does being gay make you better at being organized? Because I'll be gay for one day and not tell anyone just so get shit done.
Next level of computer? Very solid. I took a shot on the one called Apple Store, but essentially it turned out better than I expected, which turns out to be the case 98 percent of the time.
See "NK Walmart Stacked":
"You were the incredibly stacked brunette with a phenomenal body, wearing a green tank and shorts with shoes laced up to your calves. What body soap did you decide on?"
Incredibly stacked. What kind of soap? This guy sure has the moves. Missed connections tip: Whenever "stacked" is in the title, you got a winner.
I mention this because I almost lost my baby not to long ago. For those around me during the craigslist killer debacle, you know what I'm talking about. I was agitated. "Are they going to get rid of the personals?" I asked sometimes in the lonesome and outloud. I'd slam books whenever Wolf Blitzer spoke, even though he never talked about this topic.
"What else will grab my attention like missed connections did so long ago?"
That brought me back to the time I was first introduced to missed connections. I'd like to illustrate that experience in the same way they do on Missed Connections, in a piece titled "Love at first Connection":
"We were strangers living in a large world: mine, the RIC Student Union; your's, a vast technological superhighway known as the Internet. My fair skinned Jewish friend, Matt, talked about you in a way much like certain scenes from The Notebook. You were perfect. In an feebish attempt, somebody on your site met eyes with another beauty at a funeral. Hearts fluttered. 'Of course,' he thought. 'She'll be on Missed Connections, looking for me, too. I better post something rediculous.' The words couldn't be written better by Walt Whitman. They were beautiful, comical and downright pathetic. Everything I love in a good writer."
There is even a psychological thing going on too. I know I'm not hitting the ball out of the park, but I do know that I'm not on Missed Connections. At least not yet. Until then, the site will continue to be a place of downright slapstick, knee slapping fun.
The part your brain should be allergic to:
1. You are perverts. Don't disagree. I read my counter at the bottom of the page before the whole jerkoff record story two days ago and that was read more than any other story. I caught you.
2. Watching the guy from the basement operate outside this morning was much like when I used to watch the stray cat we called Garbage living in our parking lot.
3. I wonder if when people use my phone they think of how I watch youtube videos on the can with it.
4. The other day I threw a bunch of pennies out the window at some friends and yelled, "For last night!" That just shows you how obsolete the penny has become, when I'm willing to make an ill-fated bad joke at its expense.
5. At work there's two people teaching me the bad words in French, but neither of them are on the same page. Manville isn't big enough to have two different dialects of French is it?
6. I've eaten so many bagels in the past two months I should be either fat or Jewish or both.
7. Does being gay make you better at being organized? Because I'll be gay for one day and not tell anyone just so get shit done.
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